
Illustration by Arthur Rackham in Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens, 1906.
I’ve been at my new job for six months now, and I can safely say that I really like it. I’m not just saying that for public consumption, either. When I first started, I was practically walking on air the whole time. I felt ridiculously lucky and grateful.
It took about three months for me to have my first legitimately bad day. I had a run-in with a co-worker; nothing too serious, but it was enough to put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. In fact, I was still grumpy the next morning, when I had a meeting with someone else. That person could tell something was wrong and asked me how I was. That was when I realized that I was still in a bad mood from the previous day, which didn’t make a whole lot of sense, relative to the seriousness of the original run-in.
I then came to terms with the simple fact that when a bad day came along in my job, I was going to have to cope with it in a way that didn’t let one bad day poison the whole job experience. This may sound very basic, but remember that I freelanced for 11 years before taking this job. It had been a long time since I had dealt with the ins and outs of a regular job, having to survive the daily grind.
I reminded myself of how happy I had been just a couple of days prior, and I thought, I’ve just got to get my happy thoughts back. I’m talking about the Peter Pan happy thoughts—the kind that enable you to fly. I’d had them for three months, and it felt great. Losing them felt horrible. I had to get them back. But how? It involved a strange combination of self-discipline and open-heartedness. I simply had to decide to focus on the positive and move back to a place that felt good. It was as if I was priming my own emotional pump so that water would flow once again. The results weren’t instantaneous, but soon I was, if not walking on air, at least walking with a noticeable spring in my step.
I mention all this because I recently underwent a similar process with my novel. I was cranking along, writing and writing, eight chapters in, when suddenly I screeched to a halt. I had reached a place where a certain plot point constellated two very important questions that I absolutely had to answer before I could write any more. And answering the questions involved a lot of sitting and thinking, a lot of journal-style writing to myself, some research, even some feeling, as I sat and observed how different ideas and options for the novel made me feel inside.
But as I did all this introspection, I felt anxiety nipping at my heels. My anxiety said: You’re not writing words in the novel. The novel has ground to a halt. You have to do what you’re doing, but how long will it take? How much time are you losing? How long will it take you to write this thing? How old will you be when it’s finally published—if it’s ever published?
When I had finally figured out everything I needed to figure out and was ready to move forward again, three days had passed. I started writing, but the words came slowly, reluctantly, painfully. Just when speed had become more important—to make up for all that lost time—I was writing slower than ever. I didn’t understand what was wrong. I seemed to have fallen out of love with the novel. Writing the novel used to feel so good. Now it felt like torture.
Then I remembered: happy thoughts. I had lost my happy thoughts where my novel was concerned because of all that time-related anxiety. And now look at me, shuffling around on the ground, getting nowhere. Fortunately, I knew what to do about it. Once again, I used a combination of self-discipline and open-heartedness to get my head and my heart back in the game. Once again I primed my own emotional pump. And once again the water—and, this time, the words—began to flow.
Writing a novel isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. You’ve got to be in it for the long haul. And making it over the long haul means you’ve got to be able to get your happy thoughts back after you lose them. Because you will lose them, eventually; that’s just how the long haul is. And the long haul is much, much easier when you have happy thoughts to sustain you.
Today when I saw my boss, he said, “Congratulations, by the way. Your six-month probation period is over. You’re permanent now. I guess you weren’t too worried about that, but now it’s official.” So that was good news. And I finished chapter 8 and am about 3/4 through chapter 9 now. That’s good news too.
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